North Dakota

Absolutely beautiful.
For no one in particular…
and everyone who ever meant something to me.
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~Paul
Killdeer, North Dakota
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The boys from North Dakota
They drink whisky for their fun
And the cowboys down in Texas
They polish up their guns
And they look across the border
To learn the ways of love

If you love me, say I love you
If you love me, say I do
If you love me, say I love you
If you love me, say I do
And you can say I love you
And you can say I do

So I drank myself some whisky
And I dreamed I was a cowboy
And I rode across the border

If you love me, say I love you
If you love me, take my hand
If you love me, say I love you
If you love me, take my hand
And you can say I love you
And you can have my hand

I remember in the mornings
Waking up
With your arms around my head
You told me you can sleep forever
And I’ll still hold you then

Now the weather’s getting colder
It’s even cold down here
And the words that you have told me
Hang frozen in the air
And sometimes I look right through them
As if they were not there

And the boys from North Dakota
They drink whisky for their fun
And the cowboys down in Texas
They polish up their guns
And they look across the border
To learn the ways of love
~Lyle Lovett

image

Hell.

“Hell” is the complete and utter absence of heartfelt response…

‘Evil’ is the thoughts, behaviors and activities that take its place… along with the smiling presentation that covers up the void.

‘Living Hell’ is the terror that comes from one’s self feeling unable to ever again be heard or known in its midst… it can also be in the numbness of one so beaten down by the lifelessness of it all they become no longer being able to feel the effects its atrocity has on them… and, (horror of horrors)… to no longer know that their help is all around them… waiting…

for them to find hope again.

That is for adults.
Children…
They need an advocate.
And not always for them is it left to the realm of the physical. It excels forcefully also in what is unseen and swallowed down.

What if..?

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A longing…
living in the shadows of a child’s secret dreams,
Sprawling through the edges of borders
that define what could be…

What if there was something greater than what was expected?
What if we could color a world
without lines… that defines how small we are?
What if?

Awakened,
Dreams… like sentinels arise from the mist,
Carrying a torch of freedom
Guiding us on a path,
Where who we are becomes greater than our fear to live asleep.

In a moment, the Son comes
and the shadows flee.
and “what once was” cannot compare
to what we realize
we already are.

We are the happy thoughts of Heaven,
the sparkle in the Father’s eye.
We are the sound of freedom to every dreamer’s prayer

I stand amazed,
peering over the edge of Eternity…

His greatest dream is you.
~T.S.

a “Deeper Shudder..”

“… and never have I felt so deeply at one and the same time so detached from myself,
and so present in the world.”

“Man is the only animal that refuses to be what he is.”
~Albert Camus

dou·ble·think
/ˈdəbəlˌTHiNGk/
Noun
“To know and not to know, to be conscious of complete truthfulness while telling carefully constructed lies, to hold simultaneously two opinions which cancelled out, knowing them to be contradictory and believing in both of them, to use logic against logic, to repudiate morally while laying claim to it, to believe that democracy was impossible and that the Party was the guardian of democracy, to forget, whatever it was necessary to forget, then draw it back into memory again at the moment when it was needed, and then promptly to forger it again, and above all, to apply the same process to the process itself–that was the ultimate subtlety: consciously to induce unconsciousness, and then, once again, to become unconscious of the act of hypnosis you had just performed. Even to understand the word “doublethink” involved the use of doublethink.”
~1984, George Orwell

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the man.

“… At times the man, shuddering at the alienation between the “I” and the world, comes to reflect that something is to be done… and thought, ready with its service and its art, paints with its well-known speed one- no, two rows of pictures, on the right wall and on the left. On one there is… the universe. The tiny earth plunges from the whirling stars, tiny man from the teeming earth, and now history bears him further through the ages, to rebuild persistently the ant-hill of the cultures which history crushes underfoot… On the other wall there takes place the soul. A spinner is spinning the orbits of all stars and the life of all creation and the history of the universe; everything is woven of one thread, and is no longer called stars and creation and universe, but sensations and imaginings, or even experiences, and conditions of the soul…

Thenceforth, if ever the man shudders at the alienation, and the world strikes terror in his heart, he looks up (to the right or left, just as it may chance) and sees a picture. There he sees that the “I” is embedded in the world and there is really no I at all- so the world can do nothing to the I, and he is put at ease; or he sees that the world is embedded in the I, and that there is really no world at all- so the world can do nothing to the I, and he is put at ease…
But a moment comes, and it is near, when the shuddering man looks up and sees both pictures in a flash together.
And a deeper shudder seizes him.”

~Martin Buber (I and Thou)

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Monsters.

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“Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you;
not as the world gives do I give to you.

Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful…”
~Jesus

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I’m scared of swimming in the sea
With dark shapes moving under me
And every fear I swallow makes me small
Inconsequential things occur
Alarms are triggered
Memories stir

It’s not the way it has to be

I’m afraid of what I do not know
I hate being undermined
I’m afraid I can be devil man
And I’m scared to be divine
Don’t mess with me my fuse is short
Beneath this skin these fragments caught

When I allow it to be
There’s no control over me
I have my fears
But they do not have me

Walking through the undergrowth, to the house in the woods
The deeper I go, the darker it gets
I peer through the window
Knock at the door
And the monster I was so afraid of
Lies curled up on the floor
Is curled up on the floor… just like a baby boy

I cry until I laugh

I’m afraid of being mothered
With my balls shut in the pen
I’m afraid of loving women
And I’m scared of loving men
Flashbacks coming in every night
Don’t tell me everything’s alright

When I allow it to be
It has no control over me
I own my fear
So it doesn’t own me

Walking through the undergrowth, to the house in the woods
The deeper I go, the darker it gets
I peer through the window
Knock at the door
And the monster I was so afraid of
Lies curled up on the floor
Is curled up on the floor… just like a baby boy

I cry until I laugh

not sure… but so very Sure :)

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“… For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake,
But My Lovingkindness will not be removed from you,
And My covenant of peace will not be shaken,”
Says the Lord who has compassion on you.
“O afflicted one, storm-tossed, and not comforted,
Behold, I will set your stones in antimony,
And your foundations I will lay in sapphires.
“Moreover, I will make your battlements of rubies,
And your gates of crystal,
And your entire wall of precious stones.”

~Isaiah 54
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I think I fell in love
You smile alone like a drunken drug has gone and left me…
Lord I’m comin’
I think I sold my soul; to what… to who…
I still don’t know
My world is broken, my world is broken
And all the big mistakes, who knows who’s right… who cares who’s wrong?
Lord I’m comin’… Oh Lord I’m comin’

I never knew the sound… the sound of fear till I hit the ground
And I’m dying… Lord I’m dying
The little things in life: the way you talk… the way you smile
And I miss you… you know I miss you
I think I fell in love but now the hurt…
the hurt is gone
And I’m homeless… Lord I’m homeless
I don’t know how to feel I don’t know what to say or do
Lord I’m comin’… Lord I’m comin’

A whisper in my ear… and all things disappear
I think I fell in love but now I know… I’ve forgotten how.
And I’m comin’… Lord, I’m comin’

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The World that We ‘Created’. :(

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Just think of all those hungry mouths we have to feed
Take a look at all the suffering we breed
So many lonely faces scattered all around…

Searching for what they need.

Is this the world we created…
What did we do it for?
Is this the world we invaded?
Against the Law… so it seems in the end
Is this what we’re all living for… “today”?
The world that we created.

You know that everyday a helpless child is born
Who needs some loving care inside a happy home
Somewhere a wealthy man is sitting on his throne
Waiting for life to go by.

Is this the world we created? We made it on our own
Is this the world we devastated… right to the bone?
If there’s a God up in the sky looking down
What must He think of what we’ve done…
To the world that He created?
~Freddy Mercury
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